We all hold within us experiences from our past that contribute to how we feel and live our life in the present, however when our feelings become entangled with what others have let happen to us rather than what we have actually done, we can end up with a deep sense of shame that makes us falsely believe that we are flawed or deserving less than others.
Within my work as a therapist I see some of the most amazing, funny, loyal, sensitive and caring people who come to me for therapy, however one theme that constantly runs through my work is the sense that many of my clients feel flawed, broken or never able to truly connect with the good things that life can bring their way.
This sense of disconnection doesn’t just manifest in the language my clients use to descibe their life but also in the way they choose their positions in society, thier relationships and how they let other people treat them.
The embedded belief of never feeling good enough is a sense that no matter what we do we will still never reach our true potential or that at the last-minute all we try to achieve will be taken away from us.
And even if we believe other people can overcome their low sense of self-worth, we never will be able too because it’s just who we are to feel like this.
Not Feeling Good Enough or A Sense of Shame?
Just like all our other feelings and beliefs, feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness usually begin when we’re growing up and start with our parents and immediate family, with even the most well-meaning of parents embedding within us a deep sense of unworthiness if we fail to live up to the standards and beliefs they had wanted for us.
Worse still people who have experienced any kind of neglect, abuse, emotional alienation, disconnection, physical or sexual harm will often wrongly carry this as their own sense of shame, as after all it is far easier to think we must have done something wrong then rightly believing someone we love and respect being the real person who has done something wrong.
This belief system then manifests itself throughout our body and mind and presents itself as a ”doubting voice or feeling“ every time we begin to think or form a new direction in life.
Shame makes us believe that we are flawed and defective in some way and that nobody will want us and if they do we will swiftly be rejected when they see who we really are.
This sense of never feeling good enough quickly becomes our natural default point, and we end up falsely believing we are doomed to fail in some way. We believe anything positive we are experiencing is only ever going to be short-lived, or end up going wrong – and any experience of feeling good is foolish, because after all “deep down” we know we can never really achieve what we set out to do.
The Role Of Therapy When We Experience Shame in Our Life.
We begin to remove the many layers of shame when we begin to become aware of where our faulty beliefs about who we believe we are have arisen from.
And as we begin to see where and why our patterns of negative thinking occurred we can then begin to challenge the distorted beliefs we have held about ourselves and open ourselves up to a fuller range of possibilities and self beliefs.
The difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt is something we have done ~ Shame is who we feel we are.
And as we begin to unravel what is ours and what has been bestowed upon us by others, we slowly but surely begin to discover lost and buried parts of who we really are and what we can achieve so that our decisions and choices begin to change more in accordance with the real essence of our true self as oppossed to what other people have made us feel we are.
We can then connect with what our feelings and thoughts are really trying to communicate with us and become aware of when we are about to sabotage ourselves – which then allows our life to become a much more connected and fulfilling experience based on truth and reality as opposed to confusion and doubt.
This process of therapy is one of the most empowering processes you could ever experience because it makes room for positive change in a way that nothing else can.
Zara Cordella has been practicing and developing mind-body therapy for over twenty years and has a deep awareness of how our body and mind connects us to a deeper understanding of our-self, our relationships and the world around us.
Through her workshops and private practice, she has developed a methodology and ideology that has the capacity to transform the way we feel, experience and live.
Appointments are currently available one to one with Zara in her practice at Whitley Bay, Tyne and Wear and can be booked by clicking here.